At this time of year, I attend a lot of Best Interest Determination meetings during which a group of adults make a decision on where a child in foster care will go to school. The law requires that the team find ways to reduce the barriers in order to return a child to the school of origin to keep something stable when the rest of the world in uncertain for the learner. Foster care families or county workers do not always realize the impact of school mobility on a child’s education and therefore frequently suggest the school that is closest to the current placement. In the worst cases, they have had a bad experience at the previous school and request a change because someone made them feel unwelcome and unwanted. Listening to the stories of these learners is hard. They have had experiences that should never happen to a human being, much less a child. They are in a new home and sometimes with someone they met on their first day on the doorstep. After one of these meetings, I left work feeling frustrated at the process and overwhelmed at the gravity of what had happened to the child.

We lost my mom unexpectedly last fall and as we come up on the one year anniversary of her passing, thoughts of her tend to be more frequent and come at random times. She entered my head on my ride home that night. My mom was the last of my parents and grandparents as my dad passed away at a very young age. As devastated as I was about losing my mom, the realization that all the people who are by design supposed to look out for you are gone was really hard. I felt an incredible sense of loss and loneliness like nothing I had ever felt before even though I have a huge support network of extended family and friends. I went home and re-read the eulogy my siblings and I wrote for her. “We did not always have the easiest of times, but we are a family through and through who could leave it all behind the moment we were together. As much as we were nowhere near ready to let her go, we are thankful that she exited this life on her own terms after reminding us of her amazing spirit and the absolute joy you can find when surrounded by family and friends.”

That was an epiphany for me. Kids in foster care often don’t have a huge support network of family and friends to see them through. They are experiencing a loss and loneliness that is hard to measure. They may be coming to school frustrated and angry- rightly so. They may show that frustration through behavior that is ugly and hard to manage as that is how they currently know how to communicate those feelings. Even the learners who end up with the best of the best of foster care families are still in a space that is not settled or permanent. They have unbelievable resiliency skills since they have, unfortunately, had to learn them in their lives. Our job is to figure out how to best empower them at school to see their resilience as an asset that they can use in a classroom to do anything and everything and become the support network that they need while making sure we build one for ourselves as a caregiver.

John Spencer recently posted something on Facebook about watching shame messaging to staff about not doing enough and needing to do more. He said, “You are already doing enough. In fact, there’s a chance you might be doing too much and you need to engage in a little more self-care.” I completely agree, try to thank our staff as often as possible for everything they do, and encourage them to use strategies for self-care. I am not asking anyone to do more but we do need to shift our lens and handle these learners with a different kind of care.

There are police departments in our area who send an email to schools when they have had contact with a child in their home that may be traumatic. It is a simple email that tells the school that the child has experienced something and to handle them with care. You don’t know the details of the incident nor do we need to, but we do need to keep an eye out and make some space in our classrooms for what the learner may need that next day. Our learners in foster care or other challenging home situations may need us to handle with care for longer than a day, which is what I hope all staff remember as we start the school year and welcome them back if they are returning to the school of origin or welcome them with really open arms if they are new. These learners need to know that our classrooms are safe places with predictability. Don’t do more, but make what you do more clear. Make your thinking visible about how the classroom works so it is predictable for learners in a way you may not normally do. Model what it looks like when you are happy and when you are frustrated. Model the strategies you will use to calm down that you would like them to use. Explain transitions in the classroom and walk the school with them so they know what to expect. Remind them that school is a safe place where they can thrive. Know their stories, but don’t get lost in them so we remember to hold all learners to the highest expectations being okay that it will take some of our learners longer to get there. The seeds you plant now with consistency and predictability will grow over time.

The start of school is always full of excitement and opportunity for everyone. Og Mandino said, “Always do your best. What you plant now will grow later.” We get the awesome opportunity in education to plant new things each fall. We need to be sure to plant the things we really want to see grow throughout the year like gratitude, kindness, and empathy.